


Do We Have a Future?

by Catchinglikekerosene



Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Mental Health Issues, Mild Adult Language, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catchinglikekerosene/pseuds/Catchinglikekerosene
Summary: Rebecca needs answers and confronts Ethan about their future together.
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 41





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> its been a minute (aka a few years) since i’ve last written a thing. also i’m not a doctor and pb owns ethan. enjoy!

Dr. Rebecca Lao and Dr. Ethan Ramsey had been openly dating for the last eight months after nearly two years of mutual restrained pining, longing glances and stolen moments of push and pull. They fell into a comfortable routine with Becca staying at his luxury Boston apartment most nights. 

This evening the couple decided to break routine since, in a rare occasion they were both on the early shift. So, they got moderately dressed up to have dinner at Alessandro’s Bistro. 

Becca sat across the table, ogling the sight of her boyfriend in a white button down and navy sports jacket that complimented his ocean blue eyes. _God, he’s gorgeous. How did I get so lucky?_

“Remember the first day of rounds?” Becca mused, watching his brows furrow as he wondered where she was going with this. “The other interns almost shat themselves because you knew my name,” Ethan couldn’t help but chuckle at the reminder of all those timid interns; while they all did their best not to frustrate the world renowned diagnostician, Becca made it her mission to frustrate, annoy, pester and impress him from the moment she bought him a chocolate bar and told him to ‘treat himself’. Becca was a challenge to him, a damn intriguing one at that. Never in his wildest dreams would either of them have predicted that the colossal pain in his ass intern would become his best attribute a year later. 

“You were _such_ a jerk,” she giggled. 

Ethan rolled his eyes. As a doctor Ethan Ramsey is strict and demanding of the medical professionals in his care. He needs everyone to be working at their full potential as to try not to kill any patients that open up strings of lawsuits. The only memory Ethan really had of the first day he led rounds her first year of residency was of Dr. Lao bailing out another poor excuse of a physician. 

“And you bailed Olsen out and he screwed you over in the end,” he lamented. 

The two of them sat there at their table twirling their pasta in awkward silence, a bit hurt by the memory. Becca by the betrayal and sabotage of someone she called a close friend, while Ethan remembered how he wasn’t able to be there for her in the ways she needed during that challenging time because of his pride and personal ethics. _I should have fought harder for her._ He’d never forgive himself for letting all those months of what could have been slip through his fingertips and he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Although Dr. Ethan Ramsey would never admit it out loud for fear of retribution, Dr. Rebecca Lao is the only woman, nay _person_ for him. He’d do anything for her. 

Rebecca had something on her mind, something important and she needed to know where Ethan stood on the matter. She patted the pasta sauce from the corners of her lips with her napkin before asking innocently, “What would have happened if I lost my license?” 

Unexpectedly, the air in the room changed completely. What once was a lighthearted and vibrant atmosphere became stale and poignant. Ethan couldn’t put his finger on what prompted the unexpected questioning and why the air around them stopped circulating. It seemed as if time was standing still. 

When he didn’t respond Becca prompted, “I know I would have to find a medical writer or assistant job somewhere to pay off these loans... But I really mean with us. What would have happened?” 

“I - I don’t know,” he stuttered, placing his fork down on the table. It was the god, honest truth. Ethan Ramsey had never seriously considered what would have become if Rebecca lost her ethics hearing and medical license. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind during that trying time; he knew she would pull through. Rebecca Lao was meant to be a doctor. 

Ethan flagged the waiter over and paid the bill. As he held Becca’s coat open so she could slip her arms through easily she asked, 

“Humor me.” 

Ethan rolled his eyes and laced his fingers around hers as they exited the restaurant into the brisk chill of an autumnal Boston weeknight. 

She shot him an encouraging smile, “At the time of my hearing you quit and Naveen was recovering. Go.”

“Ok. Let me think…” he mulled as they settled into his car. “Well with Naveen recovered he would still become administrator and I guess Aurora would be on my team,” he said matter of factly. “I could never stay retired. As much as I wish I could. I stood by the fact we couldn’t be together because of the job. Without that in the way I think we would have tried.” 

Ethan was a man of principle, one that was challenged by Becca every moment of every day. Edenbrook and the diagnostics team meant everything to him, it was his life’s work after all. Long shifts and even longer nights spent cooped up in the hospital over the past decade was all worth it if he is able to enhance and redefine patient care in this corrupt industry. As much as Ethan loves Becca medicine will always be his first love, and he’s certain she feels the same way. 

Becca was thrilled he still saw a future with her but sensed the hesitation in his tone. “Tried? Right away?”

They were two separate questions that he treated as one. “No, not right away. I would be there for you as your supportive mentor,” he justified in an even voice, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. “You would need a few weeks to sort out your next career move. I probably would have recommended you for an office job - probably could have you working with Pancea Labs?” 

“Gross!” Becca made a mock vomiting motion at the thought of working with Declan Nash on his home turf. 

Ethan smirked at her childish antic, however justified and ‘gross’ big pharma is. “The salary would annihilate your student loans,” he challenged. 

He was right. The pharmaceutical lab’s salary for three years would be more than enough to pay back her $100K loans outright and without a crippling amount of interest. 

“Touche.” 

“Anyway…” he continued his train of thought. “We’d start dating about a month later, once everything settled down. We’d see each other weekly but it would be rather difficult because I spend all hours of my days at the hospital, with the team.” As he thought about this alternate reality it saddened him. He knew he could never really give himself fully to a partner that wasn’t understanding of his career. He’s only ever dated doctors in his adult life. _If Becca lost her license could she be the exception? Probably not_. 

At a stop sign he turned to look at her briefly. Becca stared straight ahead as she mulled over his words. “What do you think?” he asked curiously. 

“I think it’s accurate. I don’t like the labs job but I see where you’re going with this.” They both sat in silence for a moment, focused on the dimly lit road ahead. 

The next words crawled up into her esophagus like bile, an unwelcome accomplice to the strange air that trailed them from the restaurant. She didn’t want to say it but she had to. She _needed_ to know. “So… would we break up. Eventually?” It was said so quietly Ethan would have missed it if it wasn’t for the quiet surroundings. “Because I’m not working at Edenbrook anymore?” It wasn’t a question. His firm tone, the way he described his vision of their alternate reality told her the dreaded answer. 

“I - I think so.” 

“Ok.” Rebecca's heart broke as she turned to look out the passenger window. She couldn’t blame him. She shouldn’t be so upset with a fantasy, a timeline that doesn’t and will never exist because she did win the ethics hearing and they were together. What is there to worry about? 

Hearing her voice drop down an octave, Ethan knew something was wrong. _What did I say to upset her?_

“What’s wrong?” 

Becca took a deep breath for clarity, “Nothing.” 

Ethan knew her all too well. His inquisitive blue eyes turned to her taking in her body language. She was looking out the passenger window avoiding eye contact at any cost. Her hands were folded in her lap, fidgeting with the dainty silver ring that always adorned her left pointer finger. She sat up too straight to be comfortable, her shoulders were visibly tense. 

“Out with it,” he demanded softly so she could hear the care and concern in his voice. _I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what’s wrong._

She rolled her eyes in disbelief. _How does he not realize what he just insinuated!_

“You’ve literally just said the only reason we’re together is because we work at the same hospital and have the same job,” she spat, still refusing to look his way. 

“I didn-” Ethan was conflicted between wanting to pull the car over to grab her beautiful face in his hands and explain his rationale, and getting them both back to his apartment quickly and safely so they can talk at length about whatever it is that’s running through that complex and brilliant mind of hers. 

Becca cut him off before he could make a decision, “That’s a summary.” 

Her blood started to boil. Everything they’ve worked for the last year and a half was just thrown out the car’s windows with one simple sentence. The harsh reality began to manifest itself into Becca’s bones; Ethan Ramsey was only with her for so long because they both worked at Edenbrook. 

By the way the words fell vehemently from her lips Ethan knew better than to add fuel to the fire. Instead, focusing his attention on the road as they were less than 10 minutes away from his apartment. _Just 10 minutes, please don’t blow up. We can talk this out in 10 minutes._

Becca didn’t wait, she couldn’t wait. The what-if’s and could-be’s started spinning around her head like a tumultuous tornado. There were so many thoughts she could only hold onto the most relevant questions, “What if down the line I decide to stay home with the children and retire early? Would you still be with me? Would you lighten your schedule?”

She finally turned to Ethan. She was relieved he was driving and couldn’t make out her full expression in the deep night, the hope and fear battling for dominance behind her caramel brown eyes. 

“I -” Ethan was left speechless, his crystal blue eyes becoming a clouded sky. They’ve discussed the future and their goals before. _I thought we were on the same page..._ After a second too long he finally breathed, “You know I don’t want children. I could never be there for them in the way that they’d need.” _We’ve talked about this._

“Bullshit,” she spat, gripping onto the edge of the leather seat. “You are able to be there. You just prioritize your patients.”

“I prioritize you,” he retorted. _Let’s not do this; not now, we were having such a lovely night. What’s going on?_

She slumped back into the seat, mumbling, “Now you do…” 

“I always have,” Ethan said sincerely. “By keeping you at arms length I was protecting you and your career. How many times do we have to discuss this?” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What’s going on?” 

“I’m…” Becca started to say. _How do I tell him? There’s really no good way to say this, not anymore..._ “I’m just trying to figure out where we lie.” 

Ethan furrowed his brows, “Lie where?” _What is she talking about?_

“The future,” she deadpanned. _No point in sugar coating it anymore._

“You’re my future, Rookie.” Ethan’s eyes softened but Becca didn’t notice, she was preoccupied by counting the street lights they passed by to keep the tears she dammed from spilling over. _Does she want to break up? 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes until we’re home._

“But only if I work at Edenbrook.” She finally turned to look at him.

“No. That’s not -” _Why was she doing this? What did I do wrong now?_ “Did you get another job offer?” 

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Then what's going on?” he bit in frustration. Ethan gripped the wheel a little tighter. Fighting with the love of his life tore him to bits, especially when he seemingly is the source of her dissatisfaction and pain. He quickly went through the events of the last 48 hours like a rolodex to try and pinpoint where he went wrong. There was nothing that outrightly told him she was unhappy with their relationship. _Did her friends say anything to upset her?_

With her head lolled against the headrest Becca closed her eyes. All of her fears and insecurities manifesting into one. She simply whispered, “I don’t know what I want.” 

Both their hearts started to break at her words. 

“What do you mean?” Ethan choked out. _Two minutes. We’ll be home in two minutes. I’ll make this right, I promise._

Letting out a sigh, Rebbeca began to explain. “I know you don’t want to get married. I understand why you don’t believe in it and I’m okay with that. But why don't you want children? What do you have against growing our family?” She let one single tear roll down her right cheek, knowing full well that Ethan couldn’t see it. Although he didn’t see it he could feel the storm inside her. 

_Our family? Since when were we a family?_ Ethan thought. 

Yes, they share the responsibility of his dog Jenner. Yes, she’s spent time with his father and helped him through the issues with his mother’s resurrection. And yes, he’s met her parents twice. Their lives have been intertwined for as long as he can remember. He actually can’t remember a time where she didn’t weasel her way into his personal life and vice versa. He cares about her deeply and knows she feels the same. But does that constitute them as a family? 

“I told you. I - I’m too self-centered to give them what they need emotionally,” he justified the rationale he’s held onto all his life. Kids were never in his orbit, he told her that time and time again. The next words Ethan spoke honestly and from the depths of his mended heart, “I didn’t have a great relationship with my parents. I have no examples besides Naveen and we met as adults. I don’t know how I would take care of someone. I’m not cut out for parenthood.”

“You could learn,” Becca said softly and laced with hope. She wanted to convince him. She _needed_ to convince him. “We can learn together how to be the best parents we want to be. I’m just as much of a fish out of water as you are here. I know we can do it.” 

As they finally pulled into Ethan’s building’s parking garage, he responded just as softly, “I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t disappoint another life in this world.” 

“Right.” The floodgates opened as Rebecca started to sob uncontrollably. 

Ethan searched her face for answers, anything to tell him the story behind this outburst. He thought she knew this by now. They've spoken about this multiple times. He thought they were solid. The clouds of worry ever present in his features as he cradled her cheeks in his hands. He needed her to look at him but her eyes were shut tightly. _Please look at me Rookie. Please._

After what seemed like hours she finally spoke, “I - I had my IUD taken out today.” 

Ethan’s hands went slack against her cheeks, eyes growing wide in the parked car. _Why didn’t she tell me? We should have talked about this._ He was hurt and confused. 

“You thought I’ve changed my mind?”

She shook her head. As much as Becca hoped he would change his mind, she knew Ethan all too well. He was set in his ways. She could improve the little things about him, like his demeanor and how he approaches interns, as well as his ability to finally talk about his feelings. But she could never change him in the ways that mattered. 

Her stormy caramel orbs finally met his broken sapphires. “I’m pregnant,” she whispered. 

He was in shock. He knew the science behind IUDs and they are 99% accurate in preventing pregnancy, a lot better than the cyclic and fickle nature of the pill. _There's no way._

She saw the wheels turning in his head. Even now when she’s so angry and upset with him, Becca is still so attracted to the man. Ethan’s brows furrowed like they do when he’s weighing odds; the three little wrinkles on his forehead make themselves known, and his strong jaw becomes tense, flexing the muscles in his neck. 

“It’s ectopic but viable.” 

She paused her explanation, opting for short and sweet. Nothing he or she could say would change the diagnosis. Becca regretted this. She regretted everything leading up to this moment. She made a mistake. She accidentally conceived outside of her 5-year plan and with a ‘sure’ thing like an IUD. She had too much going on to care for a child, let alone a complicated pregnancy. The residency, the diagnostics team, her future. In that moment she wasn’t upset about the pregnancy, she was upset that she let herself fall into the idea of The Ethan Ramsey and kept holding onto the romanticization of him. _He will never change. This never would have happened if I didn’t wear him down and cross the line again and again._

“I’m 5 weeks along,” she continued. Rebecca pulled away from him, her back pressed firmly against the car door. “I have 2 weeks to decide if I’m having it.” 

Ethan couldn’t speak. He couldn’t _think_. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not to him and certainly not to her. Medicine be damned. He was angry at proven medicine for failing them, he was mad at Rebecca for making him jump through hoops this evening, but more importantly he was scared for her. There are so many things that could go wrong in pregnancy, especially one of this caliber. He couldn’t lose her. In that moment he realized three things, none of which had anything to do with becoming a father: 

  1. He could lose her to pregnancy or birth complications, just like Dolores; 
  2. She could lose the possibility to have children in the future if the fetus is placed too close to her fallopian tube;
  3. He could lose her because of this fight and his damn principles.



He kept the outcomes and statistics to himself, she didn’t need a lecture and knowing Becca she probably consumed all knowledge and probability of mortality rates the moment she found out. 

“What do you want to do?” he asked calmly, reaching for her hand before the doctor in him broke through, “How far placed?” 

She finally laced her fingers with his, rubbing gentle and comforting circles with her thumb. “Just above my uterus. There’s a good chance it won’t burst the tube which is why it’s viable.” Becca forced a smile to her lips in reassurance. Someone had to be strong in that moment and she felt that Ethan was fighting a greater war inside of him. She waited for him to speak, to tell her anything - reassure her even. This was BIG news - they could be having a baby! _Why isn’t he saying anything?_

He couldn’t move. He was paralyzed with fear. He felt like a young boy all over again, so many things could go wrong and there’s nothing he can do about it. This is all out of his control. All he can do is be by her side and let her make the decisions for them or once. Ethan took in the beautiful mess in front of him. Becca sitting there with one leg crossed under the other so she could face him, her silky dark brown hair messily falling out of her bun and framing her face. Her cheeks were flushed and stained with tears. Her eyes that always bore into his soul, looking down at their hands in her lap. And she was biting her lip, that little thing she does when she’s nervous or concentrating. He couldn’t help the small smile that graced the corners of his lips. This is a shitty situation but she makes everything better just by existing. _She’s everything._

“I - I’m scared,” she finally broke their silence with her broken words, “I don’t want to do this alone” 

Right then Ethan Jonah Ramsey wasn’t a doctor. He was a man in love with a woman, a woman carrying his child. A woman who wanted nothing more than to live in a fantasy world where they ran off into the sunset, saving the world from medical anomalies and getting to go home to a picket fence and two intelligent children with all of their best traits. Unfortunately, reality doesn’t work that way. Becca wanted more than anything for him to convince her to keep it. She wanted him to tell her everything will be okay and they’ll figure this out together. That they’ll get through anything together. She wanted them to live out the fantasy she had in her head. A place where they were happy. A place that wasn’t this. 

“I’m here,” he pulled her over to the center console so he could envelop her in a hug. His strong arms wrap protectively around her. Becca accepted, nestling her exhausted head in the crook of his neck while her left arm wrapped around his back and her right protectively holding her abdomen. “Whatever you decide.” He placed a kiss to the top of her head. 

The events of the day finally took its toll and all Becca could do was let out a long breath of air. 

Ethan ran his hand up and down her back, whispering sweet soothing words into her ear. 

“I love you, Rookie.” 


	2. November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

A month had passed since Becca told Ethan about the baby. Subsequently three weeks had passed since she made the easily difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy.  _ There was just too much at stake _ . She wasn’t ready to prioritize another life before her own. She wasn’t ready to take time away from her dreams and definitely wasn’t financially ready for motherhood. In the back of her mind Becca knew the moment her OBGYN told her of the complication and low mortality rate that she would not be continuing. That didn’t mean she didn't want Ethan to entertain the idea. 

Ethan was there for her every step of the way whether she wanted the comfort or not. He held her hair back when she vomited at random moments of the day. He searched store after store for the right chicken broth and bottled water - the only things she could stomach for those two weeks before her appointment. Ethan even took the full week off for them both while the termination pills took effect and approved an additional week for Becca. He even tried to have her see the counselor the OB suggested. But she deadpanned, “I’ll be fine. This is what we both wanted. The sooner it’s out of me the sooner we can go back to normal.” 

While he didn’t agree with her methodology he appeased her because it was what she was asking of him. 

They told absolutely no one. Rebecca spent more time at Ethan’s to avoid the concerned gaze and intervention from her roommates. She couldn’t even look Sienna in the eye when they stopped to chat at work, ultimately trying to limit their interactions until all of this blew over. At her core, Becca was embarrassed and deeply ashamed.  _ This was never supposed to happen _ . Dr. Rebecca Lao had a compulsive fear of failure - an asset when work was concerned however detrimental to her mental health. 

_ I couldn’t do it. I failed at the one thing women were created to do.  _

It didn’t matter that she knew better, knew this was the right decision. They weren’t ready and she was so sick. The pregnancy could have killed her - there was no guarantee that she or the baby would make it to term. Even with those odds it didn’t mean her heart wasn't tattered. Her and Ethan spent that whole first week debating and researching, coming up with their own conclusions to her diagnosis. The outcome was the same - it was safer to terminate. 

Rebecca spent most of her two weeks off sleeping. Between the undeniable pain of the contractions and the deep sadness she felt there wasn’t much else worth keeping her conscious. Ethan tried his best to get her to go about her normal activities. He’d come nudge her awake on his lunch break to make her eat something, anything to keep her body functioning. On good days she would be snuggled on the couch in the dark, Jenner nestled in her lap. Ethan didn’t know what to say or do to help. Years of diagnostics and medicine could never prepare him for the challenge of taking care of a childless woman. 

They danced around each other never saying much. Ethan stopped pressing small talk after a few weeks - she never really responded. 

“What did you do today?” Ethan asked just like he did each of the last 6 days. He came in and she was on the couch wrapped up in the duvet from the second bedroom. Today she had the TV turned on and was watching Dr. Who. He took that as a good sign,  _ Maybe, just maybe she’s coming out of her funk.  _

She barely shrugged. 

_ At least she acknowledged me today.  _

He made his way across the open plan room and to the back of the couch, leaning over to stroke the wild hair atop her head. His voice was gentle, like if he spoke much louder the room would collapse around them. It was a voice that not a single soul would have imagined came from uptight Ethan Ramsey; “Would you like to go out to eat? I think it would be good to get out of the house for a bit, get some fresh air.” 

Her voice was weak but stoic, “No.” 

_ She’s speaking. That’s a start.  _ “Could I get you anything?” 

“No.” 

Ethan took a breath, reminding himself to stay calm. “Becca, you need to eat.” 

Becca hadn’t eaten in front of Ethan since the day before he went back to work. During the  _ process  _ he force fed her soup and chicken - bland meals to keep her strength up as her body raged war on itself. As soon as her bleeding became more consistent with that of menstruation she insisted she could take care of herself. Fending for herself insisted on eating a handful of grapes and an occasional bowl of oatmeal. The only sustenance she craved was what had been lost. 

She closed her eyes tightly as if wishing him away and whispered, “I’m fine.” 

She was way off the path from fine. 

***

Halfway through Becca’s second week off and where she seemed to become more and more distant Ethan grew concerned. He couldn’t foresee an improvement anytime soon. Ethan was completely helpless without Becca explaining her needs nor accepting his olive branches. The despondent doctor had no other choice but to speak with his most trusted friend, thus breaking the couple's unspoken and sacred vow to never speak of the incident. He knew he had to do it for the greater good - for  _ her _ . 

The sullen diagnostician gingerly made his way into his mentor’s modern office as soon as the clock struck 7AM - the chief’s starting time. 

“Ethan, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Naveen beamed from behind his large desk. He hadn’t seen or spoken to his protege since he approved the couple’s time off. A sly smirk took residence over his older features as he asked, “Ah, how was your week away with Dr. Lao?” 

Using his diagnostic talents he took in the state of his adopted son. He noticed the small wrinkles in his navy trousers, how his matching tie hung ever so loosely around his neck, and how his shoes had scuff marks as if he’d spent a majority of his time pacing. Ethan’s hair looked less pristine and flatter than normal. His features were pale and distant, the deep purple half moons under his eyes ever present, and carrying a crestfallen expression. 

“Sit,” Naveen instructed. 

As swiftly as he was capable, the older doctor moved to lean against the front of his desk directly in front of where Ethan was slumped. Ethan couldn't bear the burden of their secret any longer, it was tearing both of them apart. He leaned forward to bury his head in his hands. Naveen placed a soothing hand on his closest friend’s shoulder, rubbing circles with his thumb.  _ Whatever was going on was more than the boy was able to handle.  _

They stayed like that for an unaccounted for amount of time. Ethan trying not to fall apart and Naveen doing his best to silently reassure him that the world wasn’t ending. 

Finally Ethan lifted his head and began to enlighten Naveen. “We - She was - We -” he stuttered, never really finding the right words to describe their situation. 

Both of Naveen’s calming hands were now on Ethan’s shoulders as he affirmed, “It’s okay.” 

The two men’s eyes finally locked. Naveen’s curious and concerned dark ones searched Ethan’s bloodshot and broken orbs for answers. 

“A medicinal termination,” Ethan finally choked out. 

Once the words hit his ears Naveen leaned over and hugged his young friend. This situation has seemed to have exponentially aged his features since their last encounter, and yet in this moment he was nothing other than a lost boy. 

“It was ectopic,” Ethan continued, trying to regulate his breathing. “She’s a wreck. She needs time off...to see a therapist.” Ethan pulled away to gauge his mentor’s reaction. “Can you give her all the time she needs?” he asked with the pleading eyes of a broken child. 

“I can, of course I can,” Naveen reassured softly as a friend. As Chief he added, “But the request must come from Rebecca herself. I can’t do anything without her consent.”

Forgetting himself and their position, and how there are some rules even himself cannot rewrite, Ethan slowly brought himself back to workplace reality. 

“Of course,” he mustered, running a hand through his misplaced locks. 

With all of his manifested concern, the old man finally asked, “Are you okay?”

It was a simple sentiment that carried a lot of weight.  _ No, I’m not. I won’t be okay until she’s back to normal.  _

“I’ll be fine,” he dismissed. “It’s her we need to worry about.”


	3. January

Becca stood alone in the middle of Ethan’s dimly lit bedroom one morning after a scalding hot shower while flecks of snow flurried outside. She stood in front of the double wide full length mirror taking in her full form - the unchanged curvature of her hips and abdomen. 

“I’d be in my second trimester…” she whispered to herself as she ran a hand delicately from her breast and lingering down to the blank space of skin below her navel. 

_ It would have been born in June _ . 

It was 6:30 in the morning and they needed to be at work in thirty minutes. When Ethan didn’t hear the familiar scuttering of his girlfriend hastily getting ready after choosing another twenty minutes of sleep he grew worried that something may have happened. 

He gingerly opened the door to see his love transfixed in front of the mirror. He crossed the distance quietly in four long strides. Snaking his arms around her he whispered into her ear, “Are you okay?”

There Ethan stood in his standard work attire holding Becca’s cold naked body close to him, his left hand securely wrapped around her midsection and his right hand placed on top of hers at her stomach. His clean shaven chin rested on her shoulder and his bright blue eyes searched her features for the explanation he knew was never coming. 

“Yeah,” she breathed as she snapped back into reality. Ethan could feel the goosebumps beginning to prick her skin and eyes started to glaze over as she pulled away from him. “Give me a minute. I’ll be ready in five.” 

Becca still cried at the thought of what's been lost. She still couldn’t walk past the neonatal wing of the hospital, or  _ any _ babies for that matter. Even infants on social media or television bring tears to her eyes. Some days the extreme emptiness hits harder than others. 

Ethan still refused to talk about it. He wanted nothing more than to know how exactly he could help her without having to guess each and every day. But that would be breaking their solemn vow. He couldn’t break his promise after she explicitly asked him not to all those weeks ago at her appointment. Ethan couldn’t let her down; not now, not ever again. 

Unbeknownst to him, Rebecca wanted nothing more than to confront the fact head on, she’s done her self deprecating wallowing and was ready to divulge. She wanted to know what’s going on inside  _ his  _ head. But after the last time she tried to bring it up she feared that if she continued it would be to the detriment of their relationship. 

> _ They were sitting on Ethan’s couch watching a Blue Planet documentary. Ethan comfortably laid back with his feet perched on an ottoman and Becca’s legs draped over his lap. She had the purple fleece blanket she brought from her apartment snuggled around her torso. Neither were too intrigued by this segment on flying fish, so Becca picked at the chipping paint on her fingernails and Ethan closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of how this woman beside him could make him feel so at  _ home _.  _
> 
> _ Out of nowhere the demons eating at Becca’s core shakily asked, “What would we have done if we kept it?”  _
> 
> _ Truth be told Becca had been thinking this since the moment she swallowed the first pill. What would their life be like here and now?  _
> 
> _ “Stop, Rookie,” he sternly admonished. Ethan knew she was treading down a slippery slope. She had finally started going through a routine like normal and he believed entertaining this notion would have her regress back into the shell of the woman he once knew. “No point in dwelling on the past.”  _
> 
> _ Becca pursed her lips and gave him an unsatisfied nod. She could push the subject but she wasn’t strong enough for that. She used every little bit of courage she had to let the thoughts slip off her tongue without the twin tears rolling down her cheeks. The topic seemed like taboo.  _
> 
> Why can’t we talk about this?  _ she thought. _

***

Becca had been back at Edenbrook for six weeks. She enthusiastically threw herself into her work hoping it would help fill the void and bring her joy. However it did nothing to soothe her like the way it once had. Rebecca was barren; the things she loved didn’t carry enough weight anymore. Her moods had also frequently gone on a roller-coaster ride, more times than she or Ethan would care to admit. She lived in the realm of fury, rage, disinterest and disdain. But at least she was talking and willing to leave the apartment. 

_ Thankfully _ , Ethan thinks to himself every day she gets up and goes through the motions of her past self. 

She still didn’t spend much time at her place. The awkwardness and permanent ball lodged in her throat at keeping this secret from her dearest friends had put distance between them. Becca didn’t actively want to put a strain on her friendships; she just couldn’t bear the thought of them pitying her. It was easier for them to think she’d let her new job title and relationship become her most sacred of priorities. 

When Ethan noticed her dejected and hopeless look day after day he thought now was a better time than any to help move her mind on to something else.

“I was thinking…” he trailed off as they sat at his kitchen island having her favorite spaghetti bolognese dish he ordered for them from Don Luigi’s. Looking down and twirling the noodles around his fork he said softly, “Maybe you’d like to move in?” 

“What?” Becca’s eyes went wide as she nearly choked on the two bits of pasta in her mouth. 

“You’re here all the time anyway,” he rationalized with a shrug of his shoulders. Ethan dropped the fork and swiftly swung around on his stool to face her. There was a gleam in his eyes that involuntarily made the corners of Becca’s mouth twitch. He reached out for her hands, cradling them between his own. 

“How about we make it official?” Their eyes met and Becca took a bated breath. The corners of Ethan’s lips pulled into the biggest grin - a smile Becca knew was just for her. It had been months since she’d last seen him glow like that, all the wrinkles and cracks in his features coming to light just for her. “Make me the happiest man alive and turn this place into a home, Rookie.” 

Looking at the man before her she thought maybe, just maybe everything will be okay.

“Okay,” she nodded with a small smile, trying her best to give him the genuine declaration of adoration that a moment like this deserved. 

*** 

The move didn’t help. If anything it made her mental state worse. Rebecca was completely dissociated from her current life and there were two versions wandering around in her place. 

**The first version** ; the doctor and third year resident who focused solely on her patients needs, continuously going above and beyond for them. No matter the turmoil raging inside of her. For the first time in a while she was back at the top of her game, she didn’t need Ethan to shadow her or reassign any of her potentially-emotionally damaging cases. In the halls of Edenbrook all that mattered to Becca were the lives of her patients and helping as many helpless individuals as she possibly could. 

Ethan knew she was deflecting but as her boss he was overly impressed with her performance as she tirelessly solved case after case in no time at all. He came to accept that the concern he had for her well-being was better felt behind closed doors, whether it be at home or with his father figure. Ethan did consistently speak about her with Naveen for both of their sakes. The two men discussed and debated on how they can support her without her knowing, while the older doctor simultaneously consoled and navigated his mentee’s guarded emotions whether Ethan liked it or not. 

**The second version** of Rebecca was simply Becca. A girl who’s new coping mechanism was throwing herself into packing up her life and slowly turning Ethan’s luxury and sterile bachelor pad into a home. As she packed alone in her room she let her mind project a new, better reality. One where she was still carrying. She’d pass the time singing and speaking to her flat belly of the great life awaiting the three of them. The undeniable love still coursing through her veins. 

‘What are we doing today?’ she said softly with a smile as she taped together a cardboard box on her bed. ‘We’re packing up my apartment and we’re moving into daddy’s place!’ Saying those words made her heart swell, feel fuller than it’s ever been. 

Rebecca wasn’t alone. Although science and any rationale would say otherwise, she still felt that the baby,  _ her  _ baby was still with them. 

Moving about her room she categorized the objects of her life out on the floor into piles of winter clothes, summer clothes, general clothes, books, household objects, and miscellaneous. As each pile started to grow and moving around became difficult she exclaimed, 

‘I have so much stuff! Where are we gonna put it all?’ She chuckled to herself as she haphazardly threw one of the piles of clothes into an empty suitcase. 

Patting her abdomen she happily added, ‘Dad’s gonna have a fit; we’re gonna take over the whole place.’ 

This quite well may be the only time she’d get to say those words out loud with Ethan. This could have possibly been the only time she’d be pregnant. Ethan was being more than careful now that she was not on any form of contraception. Her doctor noted that the typical thing to do after a termination would have been to start on the pill but Becca refused, wanting time for her body to readjust before adding more hormones in the mix.  _ Not like we’re gonna be intimate any time soon... _ she thought bitterly in her OB/GYNs office back then. 

In her mind Becca was now moving and creating a nest egg at Ethan’s for their little miracle. She allowed herself to indulge in this fantasy keeping her together - keeping her happy. She had made the mistake of getting attached in those first and last two weeks of knowing and now couldn’t shake the thought. As much as she’d wanted it gone, she grew fond of the little ball of cells and all the possibilities it held. Now she felt unfulfilled; something was missing from her life, from her  _ body _ and she couldn’t understand why. Why something she didn’t want and didn’t have could hurt so much. 

As a woman of medicine, Rebecca is a woman of proven science. She never did believe in a higher power. 

_ But there’s so much unknown in this world. Maybe, just maybe... _

If there was even the slightest chance the soul - her baby’s soul was wandering aimlessly around in the unknown, she needed to do something about it. After much internal deliberation and listening to her heart she decided it was a girl and gave her a name,  _ Avaline Dolores Ramsey _ . She thought of her dark brown hair on the top of her tiny head, Ethan’s eyes shining bright with possibility, their skin colors mixed together to give an olive complexion. 

A little bundle of joy staring back at her in her mind's eye every second of every day.


	4. April

They seemingly had put this event behind them. The couple moved through the motions of daily life as shadows of who they used to be. They kept a routine and followed it to a T - Ethan profoundly thankful for the false sense of normalcy for which it gave. He could rest easier knowing they were almost in sync again. But unbeknownst to him, Rebecca thought about their unborn child and the life they could have had every single day. 

Becca’s pride still kept her from seeking help. She didn’t want to bother Ethan anymore with the what-ifs and could-have-beens. She believed he truly had moved on and forgotten - he didn’t seem weighed down by their decision anymore, his eyes weren’t as heavy as hers anymore. 

She had gotten very good at pretending she wasn’t being swallowed alive. Every morning she dressed herself in her best clothes, would put her makeup on carefully over her weaknesses, and paint a smile on her face all the while thinking of the little imaginary bundle sleeping in their pristine second bedroom. In her mind she and Ethan turned the spare bedroom into a pink and white haven of a nursery after days of arguing over textures and color schemes wanting everything to be perfect for  _ her _ . The thought of her baby’s peaceful, scrunchy face gave Becca the courage to continue on. 

At work Becca tried very hard to avoid the overgrown concern of her friends and the other members of the diagnostics team but there was no escape. She had been back at work for nearly four months and they’ve all seen her destructive and desolate actions - from not sleeping to overworking and constant avoidance of any sort of personal actions. One day at lunch Sienna and Kyra tried to get her to open up but Becca put on her curated mask and distanced herself further. 

> “Hey,” Sienna said with all the courage she could muster. “How's life at Ramsey’s?” she asked as she sat down across from her best friend whom she spotted alone at a corner table and staring at the wall. 
> 
> Becca’s eyes were void of emotion, just hollow spheres staring back at two of her dearest allies. Her chicken and avocado salad remained closed and untouched with not even a fork in sight. Between Sienna’s uncertainty and Becca’s disinterest the air around them was cumbrous. 
> 
> “Are you gettin’ it  _ all _ the time?” Kyra tried to lighten the mood with an eyebrow wiggle as she took her seat next to Sienna. 
> 
> Becca took a second to contort her features before answering, needing to muster up enough strength so her voice didn’t sound as weak as the two pairs of concerned chocolate eyes boring down on her made her feel. 
> 
> “It’s good,” she forced through a weak smile hoping her friends bought it for joy. “Weird...but also in a good way?” 
> 
> It was weird in the sense that Becca still knew Ethan didn’t believe in marriage or children, and yet he made the leap. He pushed himself and solidified her as his partner - his  _ life partner _ with a set of keys, name on the bills and all. On paper as far as litigation was concerned Ethan and Rebecca were on their way to a civil partnership. Although she doubted they would make it that far.  _ It’s only been a few months. We could still break up… _
> 
> On edge, Sienna took a big gulp of air in hope that she worded her next question just right, “Are you happy?” 
> 
> Her eyes searched her broken friend’s features for any indication of the truth. 
> 
> “Yes,” Becca replied meekly. 
> 
> “I’m worried about you,” Sienna whispered back. 
> 
> Kyra broke the trance between the two hurting girls and added just as softly, “We’re all worried about you.” 
> 
> Becca shifted her weight towards Kyra. 
> 
> “I’m fine,” with great effort she etched a small convincing smile into her features. 
> 
> Her eyes met Kyra’s and for a second she felt guilty for keeping this a secret - for worrying her one friend that should be enjoying her new lease on life. Kyra has been in remission for the last six months after undergoing a risky and experimental surgery last year. On top of her shallowness, Becca now regretted not being able to let Kyra lead the carefree life she battled so ruthlessly to get. 
> 
> “Just busy with everything going on. Ethan’s been having me shadow tough cases,” Becca lied. Ethan didn’t want her anywhere near the most disastrous of cases for fear something would set her off and she’d crumble back into that dark hole once and for all. But Becca didn’t listen. She would tag along with June and Baz, Ethan unable to stop her without letting the cat out of the bag. 
> 
> Kyra didn’t waver in calling her out, “Becca, we’ve barely seen you since you moved out.” 
> 
> Looking down at the table, the insecure friend with a weight permanently lodged in her chest said, “We have a lot going on.” 
> 
> “Can we talk about it?” Sienna all but begged, “I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.” 
> 
> Becca brushed off the notion with a shake of her head, “It’s nothing.” 
> 
> Kyra’s hand reached across the table for Becca’s, “You know you can tell us anything, right? We’ll still love you.” 
> 
> _ They may still love me but they’ll never look at me the same way. They’ll never see just Becca, they’ll see me as the failed mother that I am.  _
> 
> Becca folded her hands in her lap and sat taller. Looking between the two before her, she responded, “I love you too.” 

The only person not throwing a pity party at Becca’s expense in the slightest was Dr. June Hirata. For that she was actually grateful for the arrogant and manipulative doctor on her team. Although psychological behavior is her trade, June did her best to keep her questions and analysis of Becca to herself.  _ No point in igniting that fire again _ , June thought as she reminded herself of the time Becca scolded her for reading her employee file behind her back way back when. 

June knew ever since that encounter that Rebecca regarded her with extreme contempt, however one day she just couldn’t stop the gnawing desire to know why Dr. Rebecca Lao so adamantly avoided working on cases with her boyfriend after watching the two not-so-subtly stare each other down at daily briefing. 

“What’s going on with you lately?” June so casually asked as they walked in stride through the illuminated walls of Edenbrook to their next patient’s room - a four year old boy who hadn't had a bowel movement in weeks and the warning signs of vertigo. 

“Nothing,” Becca muttered firmly before dismissing, “Don’t worry about it, June.” 

“Whatever you say, Dr. Lao.” Although Becca wasn’t looking at her she could feel Dr. Hirata’s harsh eye roll. “Trouble in paradise?” the British doctor added, shooting her shot. 

Not only did June make notes of Becca’s recent behavior, she noticed how Ethan had changed over the last few months as well. At one point the hair on his chin was longer and more unkempt than she’d ever seen. His facial features were older as if he carried a burden - one much bigger than his previous hardship of holding onto Naveen’s secret years ago. Dr. Hirata never thought she’d seen this statuesque man crumble any lower than when he thought his dear friend was on death row. 

June observed how Ethan was on edge and snapped easily during those early weeks of _the_ _incident_. Then he seemed to tiptoe around Rebecca at work, secretly reassigning some of her cases or running the tests himself behind her back. Now more recently she noted that the pair avoided working one-on-one. He was protecting something and the thought of not knowing irked Dr. Hirata to no end. 

_ I know  _ I’d _ want to work closely with my boyfriend every chance I got. _

It wasn’t a secret Ethan and Becca were dating, Elijah let it slip to a few of the nurse’s by accident once long before. Even if he didn't, anyone who spent enough time with the two doctor’s could feel the undeniable chemistry that radiated off of them - the pure unadulterated adoration they shared even in the darkest of times. 

“It’s none of your business,” Becca snapped as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from letting her emotions take over. 

Rebecca knew her relationship with Ethan was far from what it once was. They didn’t have the same banter anymore or playfully debate to get in the last word. They found it increasingly complicated to challenge one another now; neither wanting to push the other too far. They were fragile. They were a window - the thick glass of their relationship looking ahead but also peeking back into the other side, constantly and simultaneously staring back at what once was and what’s to come. One small stone could break them - only having to find the spot with the most tension and they’d shatter. 

Ethan and Becca continuously strived to bring back the passion they once shared. She would take him out to dinner or to his sacred box at the opera, things she knew were convivial and released his stress. Ethan would plan dates to Naveen’s cabin where they could spend some time enjoying the outdoors, or he would spend countless evenings looking for new and trendy food trucks to drag her too, just like her friends used to do back before. All they wanted was for the other to be happier. 

Sometimes a little gleam would pass through their features, though not long enough for either one to relish in it. 

***

They laid in their king-sized bed wrapped in each other's arms after a grueling day at the hospital. Becca’s head nuzzled in the soft nook where Ethan’s bare chest met the crook of his neck - her favorite spot. The rain poured down sideways outside rapping on the large window with monotonous  _ ticks _ . Ethan’s eyes stared blankly at the bare ceiling cherishing their comfortable silence while absentmindedly tracing circles over his ratty t-shirt on her back. Both were thankful for the peaceful closeness found in the simplistic nature of snuggling, the intimacy found in the warmth of the other. 

In the safety of their dark bedroom, shielded by Ethan’s embrace and cloaked by the late hour of time Becca found the courage to speak from her heart, 

“What do you think our life would be like if we had it?” 

_ It’d be six weeks til due date this week.  _

“Becca…” Ethan warned. 

A quick surge of unencumbered courage kept her going, “It’d be due in June… Would we be looking at houses or turning the second bedroom into a nursery?” 

He let out a sigh.  _ At least she’s finally talking about it.  _

Finally Ethan let themselves indulge in bringing up their future. 

“I’d imagine we’d buy a townhome nearby,” he rationalized, furrowing his brows as he thought of the logistics of making room for baby. He moved his hand up from her back to run his fingers through Becca’s messy hair, still looking at the blank canvas ceiling as he painted the picture. “I like this area; it’s quiet and close to work. We would need a couple more rooms definitely and a backyard for Jenner and…” His hand ceased all motion. “ _ it _ to play in.” He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge a child -  _ their _ child. That’s not what the universe had planned for them. 

Letting his words give her security she smiled into his chest and continued the fantasy, “My mom would definitely want to come stay with us the first few months.” Her hand on his chest searched for his free hand in the dark. 

“My dad as well,” he told her matter-of-factly as he laced their fingers together. Ethan let out a preemptive chuckle, “Hell, Naveen would probably move himself in,” he joked and she could hear the happy smirk adorning his lips. She felt his chest rise and fall a little quicker as he laughed to himself at the thought of his mentor being consistently present throughout their children’s lives. In this moment - wrapped up in the dream -  _ everything _ made sense. 

_ None of this would be possible without her,  _ he thought with a small shake of his head, thinking of their beginning and how she made all his days all the more bearable. How, through her weaseling, she was able to give Naveen more years than he could have imagined and a  _ family _ Ethan never thought possible. 

Although the springtime storm raged outdoors the atmosphere around the couple was light and airy. A curated happiness circled around them, begging them to fall into the future. 

“The more the merrier!” she noted happily. Cuddling further into Ethan, needing him to be so much closer. “It takes a village after all.” 

Without thinking Ethan responded with a grin and a kiss to her head, “Our kids won’t be lonely, that’s for sure.” 

Her heart leaped. 

_ Is he coming around? _


	5. August

She finally stopped crying at the memory of the incident and at any infants she’d come in contact with throughout her daily life. It had taken nearly a year for Rebecca Lao to get to this point. 

_ But how long are you really meant to grieve for the child you never had?  _

As her boyfriend Ethan was wary of her every single day, just waiting for the moment that her hard coated exterior crumbled right down in front of him. Some days he noticed how her tear ducts began to swell and her back stiffened whenever they were faced with an unhappy diagnosis. 

As her boss, Ethan eventually let her work on a preeclampsia case with baited breath, watching her like a hawk every step of the way. Every time she’d visit the patient’s room he wouldn’t be more than five steps behind. Whenever she’d assess the lab results, he’d be right there with her ready to break her fall. And when she left the mother’s side Ethan kept in time with Becca, his hand caressing the small of her back as they moved through the motions and onto another case. 

She handed the whole thing better than he could have ever anticipated. Becca didn’t need him at all, not anymore - but she’s damn thankful for the support, however overbearing. In the end, the mother and premature daughter lived happily ever after. Even with all of her self-mending practices, the sight of the infant still stung deep down in Becca’s core. Ethan didn’t notice as he held her hand outside the NICU, her curated mask keeping her emotions at bay. Although she fortified the walls around her heart strong enough to carry out her daily life, still not a day goes by that Becca doesn’t think about what could have been. 

_ It’d be different if we weren’t together and planning a future. If we broke up maybe it’d hurt less?  _

Planning a forever seemed futile when they’d thrown a family away not so long ago. Coming from a broken home, the little doe eyed and innocent girl in the back of Becca’s mind desperately wanted a functional, loving family. A family that put their collective happiness first and nobody ran away. The silver lining to the termination meant they had the option to try again. Properly, when time aligned.  _ When would that be? Would it ever happen? We haven’t had sex since... _

Months ago, Ethan finally stopped asking her if she was okay and if she wanted to speak to someone about the experience. As always Becca dutifully declined - the fantasy world she built in her head was all the solace and consoling she needed. 

When the two of them are cuddled on the couch watching a film the phantom daughter of her mind’s eye would emerge. Becca would welcome her beloved mirage by nestling it right across her unchanged chest, coddled safely between her arms and protected from the world around them. 

In the silent and lazy Sunday mornings her phantom would be cuddled close to her heart as Ethan sleepily spooned the love of his life, blissfully unaware of the dream playing out before him on her side of the bed. Happily, Becca would be caressing the thick and curly hair that mirrored her own off of her daughter’s rounded face and giving soothing rubs along her back. Letting herself trail little bits of love over the soft and unweathered skin of her child. A hollow smile forms as the illusion plays out in front of her under the blanket of dusk. But once the strong daylight of reality peered in through their large windows, the tableau vanished. These little moments kept Becca grounded in the present. She  _ needed  _ a happily ever ending. 

As the weeks passed by and the delusion began to solidify into a distant memory, Becca finally had some gusto in her. She didn’t need to hide anymore. Ethan and her were able to joke and chide and taunt each other in the best of ways - just like old times. They were finally opening back up to one another. They let themselves be unashamedly intimate once again. 

The hurricane between them had seemingly passed, the damage was done and swept away at a political pace. There were still some cracks in the roads, but they’d weather them together. 

Becca was making blueberry pancakes one Sunday morning. Ethan sat at the kitchen island with his expert cup of coffee, struggling to breath through his laughter. Becca had just told him the worst joke - so bad that not even the corners of his lips perked up in pity. When she tried to explain why it was funny and Ethan still wasn’t understanding, her face scrunched up with a loud  _ Humph _ and a stamp of her foot. Her little outburst caused her to slip on a few now-crushed blueberries, tossing what was left of the batter into the air. 

Ethan couldn’t contain himself. The cracks and wrinkles from years worth of living came alight with his bellowing laughter. His ocean eyes shut tightly as he gripped at the center of his bare chest. Once his diaphragm settled he rose to find his girlfriend now laying spread out on the wooden floor in defeat; Becca’s hair spewn over her grumpy face, her hands still holding onto the bowl and spatula but the contents were artistically gracing the lower cabinets and surrounding area. 

He grabbed a kitchen towel from the front of the oven and began to clean up the rogue splatters of batter, utterly bemused. 

The situation caught up with her and Becca chuckled as she discarded the equipment and made a faux snow angel on the floor, letting the lighthearted breath of fresh air take control - it was a stark contrast from the uncertainty and hopelessness that surrounded their every waking moment the last few months. 

“I hope our kids have my sense of humor,” she lamented during her motions. 

Ethan gasped loudly feigning hurt, “What’s wrong with mine?” 

Becca lifted her head slightly to observe him. His blue eyes shining bright with amusement meeting her matching light brown. 

“It’s terrible! You’re such a grump!” she exclaimed, mentally noting all the times she told him a pop culture reference he didn’t understand just like moments ago. Becca placed her head back on the cool wood and said, “Your dad jokes have improved though.” 

Ethan playfully rolled his eyes.  _ I missed this. _

He stood and bounded over to her with that silly smirk still plastered on his face. “I hope they have my good looks and intelligence,” He told her, offering his hands to help her to her feet. “They can have your…” he paused for dramatic effect, looking her over - taking in the way she still looked so unbelievably stunning even with batter smeared all over her face and hair wildly pointing every which way. 

“Chromosome.” 

Becca’s jaw dropped at the insult. 

Squeezing his hands hard she sassed him right back, “Ethan Jonah, are you saying I have no qualities you’d like reflected in our children?” 

His eyes softened as he assessed the magnificent woman before him. He had a lopsided grin as he spoke;

“I’d like them to have your curly hair,” he pushed a few strands behind her ear. Her completely enamored brown eyes fluttered closed as she melted into his touch. “Your little button nose,” he booped her nose. “Definitely your spunk and heart,” he gave a nod in certainty as his finger lingered. “And attitude;” her eyebrow rose encouraging him to continue that thought. In complete honesty he told her, “You are a better person than I.” 

It was something he showed her again and again. 

He regretted how self serving he used to be at the start of their partnership and felt entirely undeserving of how she continuously was there for him during his darkest of times - with Naveen’s diagnosis, with his mother and father, the near decimation of his life’s work. She never left his side. He was in awe of how, on the job, she did all she could for those around her, every stranger mattered in her eyes. She found the loopholes for their patients he was too stubborn to see - to make a difference, an imprint on all lives she comes in contact with, for the better. 

Becca’s heart was always in the right place. She had a courage and impulsive intuition he fiercely admired. In these last months she made the decision to save her own life, and she seemingly held her head high. Ethan knew he could never be that strong - if they had swapped places he couldn’t even fathom what sort of mess would have become of him.  Ethan remembered how he wasn’t able to be there for her in the ways she needed during the Mrs. Martinez debacle because of his pride and personal ethics. He never forgave himself for letting all those months of what could have been slip through his fingertips and spent every moment of every day of every week in these last few months making sure she knew how important and special and loved she is. Dr. Ethan Ramsey is hopelessly devoted to Dr. Rebecca Lao. Whatever incidents befall them in the future they will tackle together.  They’d be strong together. 

They’ve  _ been _ strong together all this time. 

“I am,” she agreed, her eyes darting open to accompany her sly smirk. 

The two held one another’s gaze, their shoulders relaxing in unison and letting the bright and carefree morning swaddle them. Their worries all seemingly distant. All that mattered was them, their love and the abandoned pancakes. 

The last few months have aged them more than they have realized. The dark circles under Becca’s eyes held a weight she will never be rid of, a lasting reminder of what she’s been through and all she has overcome. She held herself a little higher now - she was done hiding and feeling ashamed. Ethan had a few more worry lines etched into his chiseled features, and next to default indifference of his natural gaze his eyes held clarity at the forefront - as if he had finally solved the mystery of his existence - his morals and personal ethics were damned.

Becca playfully wrinkled her nose as she said, “They’re definitely not having your big head.” She wasn’t sure if it was the idea of giving birth to a large headed baby that sent a chill up her spine or Ethan’s calloused fingertips gingerly tracing its curvature;  _ up and down, up and down _ . 

They both knew they had no control over genetics but he smirked anyway as he cradled his arms tightly around her back, “I’ll do my best to keep that from happening.” 

Becca softly touched his cheek, “That’s all I ask. I like my vagina too much as it is.” 

He laughed. A genuine, wrinkle-glowing laugh that rivaled the earlier comedic-induced laughter. She moved closer to hold him in a tight hug, listening to the comforting palpitations of Ethan Ramsey’s heart and feeling of the subtle rise and fall of his chest. There was a certain kind of euphoria in feeling the warmth of his back under her manicured palms. 

_ I missed this,  _ she thought, tightening her grip. 

The laughter settled and she whispered ever so softly, he wouldn’t have noticed if he wasn’t so entranced by her, “I think... I think I’d want a c-section.” A small part of Becca found solace over the last few months in knowing she made the right decision - childbirth is terrifying and she definitely was not ready for a baby if she can’t even wrap her head around getting it out. 

He pulled away just enough to raise an eyebrow at her. 

“I don’t think I’d be strong enough,” it came out with a breath of air she was holding in, quiet and earnest. Just as easily she joked, “And not being able to control my bladder for the rest of my life is not appealing in the slightest.” 

They laughed it off. It was a jovial statement they knew as truth. 

But it didn’t matter anymore. They could speak about these things - they could speak about the future and pregnancy and babies and cravings, genetics, birthing plans and even last rights. They didn’t need to hide anymore. No secret wishes or manifestations suffering in silence, and not wanting to disturb the grieving process of the other. Everything now out in the open to share together. Revel in together. Carry together. 

The last year was absolute hell and Becca chastised herself for letting all that time slip past. She could never get that time back. She still was not fully at peace with her lost child but accepting it for what it is - it will always be a part of her. 

Through the internal turmoil Ethan and Rebecca grew as a couple and as individuals - they became stronger. They can talk about it and dream their new nuclear dream together. A dream that could quite possibly include a picket fence and a few certificates. 

Becca will never forget her phantom child, but hopefully she can lay her to rest. It had taken months of grieving in the dark depths of her mind and now was the time to face the sunshine. It was time to look forward to her career and enjoy having Ethan to herself, the serenity uninterrupted. The ability to continue making impulsive decisions, whims without any regard, and pulling unapologetic all nighters at the hospital whenever they pleased. There’s many things Becca would like to do before they have a family. 

_ Me and you. Just us two… For another two years at least _ . 

They have their entire future ahead of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr: https://catchinglikekerosene.tumblr.com/post/618853818335150082/do-we-have-a-future


End file.
